Ok, how do I say this without feeling like I’m sounding dumb? I know what I’m feeling but I just can’t communicate my emotions into words. Uhgh! That’s not what I meant, you misunderstood me…. Any of this sound familiar? Have you ever found yourself being frustrated and feeling like everyone only hears what you’re trying not to say? Have you at times had anxiety and obsessions about what others think? This can be so irritating and can cause one to feel defeated and as a result, ultimately shut down communication. Do you notice that your feeling of not being able to effectively communicate only involves certain individuals or only occurs in certain environments? Whatever the scenario is, you can overcome these feelings of inadequacy. Let’s explore some simple steps that you can take to help you regain confidence in being able to effectively communicate your emotions and feelings so that you don’t walk off having feelings of anxiety, depression or self-doubt.
Your Emotions & Feelings Are Real
First, let’s understand that your emotions and feelings are real. That is one thing that no one can validate or dismiss because you are the owner of those feelings. Regardless of how minor your feeling may appear to others, they’re yours and you are entitled to feel them. This could be a challenge for some, especially if you grew up feeling that you didn’t have a voice and that you were shown that your feelings were not important. Feeling that your voice does not matter and lead to feelings of depression, hurt, and low self-worth. If that’s the case for you, just remember that you do not have to be silenced by your past experiences. You don’t have to have anxiety about expressing what is on your mind. Your feelings are important and you have the right to express them boldly in confidence without fear or shame.
Take A Deep Breath
When the time comes for you to express yourself take a few deep breaths. This is a great way to calm yourself from the anxiety and apprehension that you are feeling. Take your time and just speak. Keeping in mind that no one knows what your feeling but you, so you have to express them or else no one will know. It’s always good to start out by making statements like, “I feel…..” and then fill in the blank. I feel statements are often empowering. They help you to experience the full authority simply stating how you feel.
Keep It Simple
Keep it your communication simple. There is no need to try and sound eloquent. No matter how major or minor the problem is. When I have been hurt and need to express, I have found it to be helpful to state my feelings at that moment with that hurtful situation. For example, “ I felt abandoned when you didn’t keep your promise to our date night” or “ I felt inadequate when you became upset that I forgot to pick up the milk from the store”. By stating how you feel regarding certain situations, it keeps you on track at that moment and it helps prevent layering of other situations. Avoid layering. This is when you are holding everything in for so long and then finally you have had enough and then you try to express it all in one sitting. Stick with one thing at a time. Trust me it will save you so much time.
Why Feel Intimidated?
Depending on who you are conversing with, you may feel intimidated by that individual. Don’t put yourself in a place of inferiority. Stand behind your words. Set clear boundaries in all of your relationships. There has to be a level of safety that is maintained in your relationships in order for you to feel like there is an open door for you to come and express without being judged, misunderstood or just blown off like your not important. Evaluate your relationships and ensure that, that level of safety is there. If you do no feel safe with genuine expressions of your feelings, it may be because you are in a relationship with a narcissist. Intimidation is no good for a relationship. Continue to search and discover your intentions to make sure that your feelings are honored in your relationship.
Write What You Feel
Finally, If you are truly having a hard time it’s sometimes helpful to write out what you’re wanting to say and read it to the individual. This technique works well in more intimate relationships such as with your spouse, siblings or parents. Remember writing your feelings out, puts you in control of your emotions, it reduces the risk you may feel about not being unclear, having a loss for the right words to express yourself, and it can reduce your overall experience of being misunderstood because your feelings documented. This also allows you to stop, go back and recite what you have communicated to the listener who may have misunderstood you.
You Are In Control
Communication is the number one tool for all healthy relationships and a lot of people struggle with it. The biggest obstacle is understanding that you are in control of your feelings regardless of what others think. Don’t worry about being judged, misunderstood or inferior. Just speak!! Once you gain your confidence and master some of these simple techniques you will be boldly speaking and expressing your emotions in confidence and saying only what you want to be heard! Good luck!
About Shantel
Shantel Wise, LBSW, RN is the co-owner of Aspire Counseling and Consulting Services a mental health clinic in the Huntsville, Al area. As a licensed mental health professional and Registered Nurse, Shantel provides coaching services to women empowering them in their relationships. She is also a co-facilitator for Anger Management Classes.
