What Serial Killers And Narcissist Have In Common

 

 

I have had tons of my clients come to me with concerns that they are either dating or married to a narcissist.  They often describe to me some of the typical behaviors that are often observed in the relationship or marriage with their narcissistic partners.  Some of these behaviors include gaslighting, crazy-making, and love bombing all used as an effort to manipulate and create mind control over the relationship partner.  As I have studied personality disorders and had the opportunity to provide therapy to clients who have symptoms of personality disorders, I have noticed striking parallels in the behaviors of serial killers (also many times identified as sociopaths) and narcissists.

Though I have never counseled a known serial killer, the study of this personality type strongly resembles that of what I often see in the narcissist.  Apparently this is old news for many researchers who study these personality disorders.  I was so compelled by the parallels in their behaviors from my own studies and experience, that I decided to research this topic even deeper.  In this blog, I would like to share with you some of my observations and thoughts.

 

Narcissist And Serial Killers Can Both Be Dangerous

It’s obvious that a serial killer is dangerous, but many times I feel that the companions who are in relationships or marriage with narcissists are not completely aware of how dangerous a narcissist can be.  When I speak of danger I am speaking from a physical as well was emotional sense. I can’t tell you the number of clients that describe their narcissistic spouse to be controlling, physically abusive, sexually abusive, and very prone to “blackouts” when they are in rage.  Narcissists many times hoard rage and when rubbed the wrong way can be very violent.

It has been very commonplace for a client to tell me about how their narcissistic partner might place a gun on display as a subtle deterrent reminding their spouse or partner of the potential danger they may experience if they decide to leave.  These are also actions identified by sociopaths.  With both of these personality disorders, the individual may show patterns of being vengeful, controlling, obsessive and intimidating.

When a narcissist is violated to the core, the narcissist may act out with rage.  This rage is often identified to be a response to what is known as a narcissistic injury.  The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders describes narcissistic injury to be: “… vulnerability in self-esteem which makes narcissistic people very sensitive to ‘injury’ from criticism or defeat. Although they may not show it outwardly, criticism may haunt these individuals and may leave them feeling humiliated, degraded, hollow and empty. They react with disdain, rage, or defiant counterattack.” The average sociopath has also been injured emotionally.  One of the primary differences I feel between the way the narcissist and the serial killer when it comes to injury, is how they compartmentalize the feelings, and how they act them out.  Both suffer greatly from vulnerabilities with self-esteem.

Sociopaths and Narcissist Pocket Emotions

Serial killers, narcissists, and many sociopaths appear to have poise and the ability to pocket much of their rage until they are in the appropriate setting to unleash it. A serial killer may pocket a great deal of their emotion until it is time to make the kill. The kill almost seems to feed their hunger for an emotional release, allowing them to unleash repressed anger, hurt and rage.  Many serial killers have been observed to have an ability to sustain their rage for long periods of time, but at some point, there has to be a release.  Murder many times is not punishment for a wrong that was done to them by a victim.  Murder for the serial killer is often a response interconnected with the wrongs that perceive have been done to them over a lifetime.  The narcissist holds similar measures of rage, but with most narcissist instead of mortally harming the body, the narcissist seeks to harm the souls of those who often care for them the most.  When the spiritual needs of the narcissist are not met, the rage of the narcissist is often only soothed by violent emotional attacks on those whom they love, and often those who choose to cross them.

Both the sociopath and the narcissist hoard and split off their negative emotions in a way very calculated way. They are many times so skilled at POCKETING emotion, that family friends and close loved ones will often never believe the storyline of the victim’s abuse in the relationship or marriage due to the fact that they truly have never seen this side of their personality. The sociopaths and the narcissist uncanny ability to repress true emotions experienced in relationships deviates so far from the norm that this is no doubt one of the reasons these disorders have been categorized under the term “personality disorders.”

Don’t Piss Them Off

There will be hell to pay if you piss off a serial killer or a narcissist. The serial killer or sociopath does not mind seeing its victim suffer.  This characteristic is very common with the narcissist as well, especially when the narcissist has been injured.  When the ego of a sociopath has been threatened in a relationship/marriage, somebody is going to have to pay.

Ok nobody or most of us are not trying to get into relationships with sociopaths and serial killers, but there are a few folks out there who don’t mind.  The sociopath and the narcissist are often known for their charisma.  They can often be the life of the party.  They stand out in the crowd.  They often the ability to get their way because of their skilled use of words and charm.   The male narcissist is often popular with the ladies.  Both narcissistic men and women commonly choose infidelity in marriages and relationships.  It is a mistake to think that one could identify a serial killer or narcissist by their looks or dispositions.  The sociopath, serial killers, and narcissist as well many times understand how to mirror the behaviors of their relationship or marriage partners to fit the mold of their liking.

One of the key components that identifies both of these sets of personalities is that they often have an extreme absence of empathy in relationships or just life in general. Sociopaths and narcissists are all very hurt self-centered individuals who are often obsessed with ruminating both consciously and unconsciously about the respect that they experience or lack in relationships. They are so obsessed with this type of thinking that they are completely tuned out or nearly oblivious to the pain and hurt of others. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it is not uncommon for you do be ignored and even question, why does the narcissist ignore your?

Many times the narcissist and the sociopath seem to be unconcerned with others’ emotions in relationships. It is my belief that the lack of empathy that narcissists and sociopaths experience in relationships has less to do with them being unconcerned about others’ feelings and more to do with an obsession for their own feelings and well-being. These are survival defense mechanisms that have less to do with harming others and more to do with protecting themselves for personal gain. Both the narcissist and the sociopath will hurt, wound or destroy their relationship or marriage partner in order to preserve their own emotional state.

 

No Proven Cure for the Sociopath or Narcissist

There is only one cure I am aware of if you are in a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath. Get Out!!! (if you’re not married).  In all sincerity, this is a situation for much fasting and praying.  Here’s why! There is currently no evidence-based cure to correct the narcissist or sociopath’s behaviors.

In my opinion, the primary reason why there is no cure is that the narcissist and the sociopath are unrepentant. They have been so mortally wounded in relationships (many times through childhood trauma), that they will not allow themselves to reflectively evaluate change. In relationships, they often have to be rewarded for change. They often have persistently recorded and replayed so much hurt that they take on a false sense of self.  Fear of rejection, abandonment and disappointments in relationships are so acute that they are unable to be vulnerable.

Serial killers and narcissists’ insecurities shut themselves out from positive changes in their marriage and relationships. Their insecurities make true intimacy in relationships a near impossibility because they have little to no emotional commitment. Being wrong means an emotional death to the narcissist and the sociopath. They often interpret being wrong to mean that they are bad, unaccomplished, monsters, incompetent, incapable of being loved, fraudulent, and wide open to the risk of receiving rejection and/or abandonment. In order for the narcissist and the sociopath to live and breathe in relationships, they often feel that it is necessary to take the oxygen out of the room. They will take your oxygen because from their perspective it’s a life or death situation for them. There is no in-between.

Is There Any Hope For The Sociopath or Narcissist?

The only true hope outside of prayer is that the narcissist and sociopath will change their approach to coping with hurt and anger. If they can view anger in relationships as being a secondary emotion that covers uncomfortable feelings, relationships would greatly be improved.  This is not an impossible task. The healing for these two groups involves a spiritual force that can not be activated without support from The Most High God.

Have You Been Dating A Sociopath or a Narcissist?

If you have been dating a narcissist, staying in the relationship too long can be detrimental.  What is more interesting and compelling is that this is likely not the first time.  We support you with understanding the reasons why you may be attracting these characters.  We not only help you with understanding why you may be attracting narcissists/sociopaths, but we provide interventions to support you with being permanently free from these types of relationships.

If you desire to be free, give us a call!!

About Choya

LICSW Social Work Licensure Supervisor and Mental Health Counselor in Huntsville, AL 35806

If you have been trying to avoid being pulled back into the narcissistic trap or you are presently in the trap but don’t know how to get out, consider giving us a call.  I have hired a great team of professionals who know just how to support you with breaking free from this cycle.

I have hired a team of highly skilled licensed mental health professionals who are able to support you with breaking past cycles, and learning how to move into healthy, thriving relationships. Members of our team have specialties in anger management counseling, treatment for trauma, individual counselingmarriage counseling, and eating disorders just to name a few.

If you have been having issues with building intimacy in your marriage or relationship, it may be time to seek a professional relationship counselor.  If you are a couple looking for a counselor in Huntsville, Alabama, or online coaching anywhere in the United States, allow us to support you with steps to build your relationship.

11 thoughts on “What Serial Killers And Narcissist Have In Common”

  1. Annemarie says:

    I just want to say, this is so well written!
    Unfortunately everything described applies to my ex partner and father of my children.
    I wish this information would be shared with police, GP’s and all other health professionals.

  2. Peter Smith says:

    It is astounding to me how few recognize how dangerous the true Narcissist is. No matter how well a victim may tell of the abuse they have received for most the word Narcissist seems to paint a picture of extreme selfishness only and not an understanding of the misery they inflict. It seems to me that the Narc would be labeled by Darwin as top of the food chain. They seem to get what they want and get away with the means employed to get it.
    What I can not grasp is how self aware they are or are not. My relationship with a female covert showed selective and adjusted memory and of course the consistent denial of never having been wrong or made an error. To be conscious of what they are doing then evacuate said action out of there conscious is remarkable to me. They seem to have a tall and able wall to seperate themselves from much of themselves. I wonder if it is as I see it or perhaps they have a better understanding of themselves than projected?
    I was just writing myself which I have been doing as a way to understand what I went through and thought about serial killers and found your brilliant article. I have become very interested, possibly slightly obsessed with the Narc world and of the volumes I have read your words stood out.
    Thank you. Peter Smith

  3. Cricket@crigler.me says:

    I am so sorry that you are in AL. My daughter is going through hell with the father of her child while being held prisoner in OR. Not literally speaking, but the child is being used as a tug toy for the father while he keeps his boot firmly on my daughter’s chest. It is a nightmare.
    Do you know of anyone with expertise in this area in Eugene, OR?

  4. Robert and JoAnne Rose says:

    We have 3 sons, the second oldest has been stolen
    from us, different very little from having been killed in a war. His sole has been stolen and damaged to the point of unrecognizable to us his
    parents and siblings. We do our best to say as little as possible to his wife, but not as good
    as we need to be, it is difficult, not to mention
    dangerous. What total hell, he was a great individual, smart and very hard working.

  5. Patty smith says:

    All I have to do all I have to say is thank you so much and may God bless you. This article was so eye-opening to things I have already known about my ex boyfriend. You have a God-given ability to speak the truth and dissect the human thoughts thank you again may God bless you

  6. Margaret Martin says:

    Hello Dr Choya Wise, I have just read your information on narcissistic rage. My ex husband would go very pale before he went for your throat to strangle you. I was shaking with shock that I actually found out the medical term for my husbands behaviour. He rejected his children when I divorced him as I thought I would die at his hands. Me and my 2 kids have had a very difficult life since I divorced him. My kids suffered from the loss of their father and I from the loss of the man I loved so much. The rejection of the kids hurt me very much and he also rejected me by being unfaithful. I met him at 16 he was 21. I married at 20 had 2 kids by age 24 and had to divorce him at 26. I am in awe after reading your explanation which to me was like reading about my relationship with him. I am 69 now and it still bothers me. I have nightmares of his friends wife pursuing him and he prefers her to me. That’s after knowing him for 53 years. The friends wife would make a play for him when we visited. And I had a dream he went to visit her in another town and it turns out I was right. Can I say THANK YOU so much for your article I have just read. I believe God guided me to it because I had recently reached out to someone else on line out of desperation but not really expecting an answer but here I got one thanks to you Doctor. I have badly needed counselling for my bad experience but have been unable to get it. But just to say my husband would accuse me of being unfaithful which I wasn’t but I now realise it was to appease his guilt. Thank you from Margaret in Scotland.

  7. Michelle Santill says:

    I just wrote this in response to a flaw firm who claims to be trained in this area!
    To bad I have yet to read how common it is for a person to destroy innocent lives and stop at no end till defeat or any type of accountability at all for the horror they can bestow upon you! Repetitively.
    UNLESS PERSONALLY AFFECTED BY A NARCISSIST, not a single judge or attorney to date has the excuse of just brushing these Demond’s off and yet they do and have!!

    Find me some case law that shows someone is goi g to have to have accountability!
    I can go to jail for stealing a car but not for stealing g a life! Or driving one to suicide or driving one to develop and mental illness or driving someone skids to jet them or cause people not to have jobs and mental mind fucki g them into oblivion stripping aml rights away from you!
    There is Not 1 of these monsters behind bars for their abuse and it can be deadly!
    There is no excuse for the lack of accountability the legal department has made happen for the Nightmare that EVERY SINGLE TRUE NPD BRINGS TO THE VICTIM OR ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THE LIFE LONG DAMAGING AND EVEN DEADLY AFFECTS OF AN NPD! THATS WHY THW SUICIDE RATE IS SO DAMN HIGH FOLKS! Wake up! They aren’t mental! They are isolated and feel helpless!!! HOW IS IT SOMEONE CAN DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU LOVE AND CHERISH, everything you worked hard for, and do this to all they encounter when it’s time for new supply, and actually drive people into taking thier life, or developing a mental illness or take right away or children away or kill your animals or sleep with you boyfriend and kill your animals I mean what about when they target you special needs child and want to see him dead just to hurt you! I can show a plot and tell the world and I look crazy! But I have paperwork and evidence and permanent physical damage done by the actions of an NPD! All victims say the same thing if full blown NPD!
    They are monsters! Ted bundy also monster ! Only difference between him and every single sick fuck out there is he did it with his hands and wasn’t in it for the slow painful demolish just to relish in the sorrow and despair and devastation of the target & the death is a more painful one! You are never the ame after being a victim of one of the fucks
    You are left with one of the following as a gift
    A reminder of the evil who will never stop until one of you is dead
    Anxiety disorders
    Depression
    A mental illness
    Trauma and PTSD brain
    Neurological damage
    And or suicide

  8. Lynn h says:

    Spot on! I dealt with a narcissist neighbor for 8 years. In the beginning I trusted him with keys to my house only to realize he was stealing, incl valuable personal items. As I realized today, he was a narcissist.
    There is no way to get through to these people. Narcissist live in spiritual darkness. One of the ways I deal with the trauma of living next door to a narcissist, is I speak to his soul (the God spark in all of us) and guardian angel. There is no communication with his physical being. I also pray for him and send him God’s healing light in body, mind and soul in hopes of someday he will wake up from his spiritual stupor.

  9. Susan Faith says:

    I was married to a narcissist for 16yrs…he is a malignant narcissist. I’ve only just got my life back and I intend to keep it. I hate him for what he did. I realise now I’d never have changed him. The strange thing is he loved loved 😍 watching serial killer programmes on TV….enough said

  10. Erin says:

    This was so well written. I feel like this is exactly what I am dealing with. I didn’t know anything about this until I started reading a few years ago. I have kids and I don’t know how I’m going to get away but I am trying to avoid him as much as possible. Anyone else just feel like you need a year to sleep and recover from a nightmare? I went from being an athlete (115 lbs) to 40 lbs overweight. I had a 4.0 in med school. I can barely concentrate. If I could go back, I would. And change everything. I feel like my brain has gone through a meat grinder. Definitely feeling the losses in my life due to this relationship. I wish I knew then what I know now.

    1. Choya Wise says:

      No better place to set your vision than on the future. There are reasons for the decisions you have made. Instead of seeking blame, try seeking understanding. Once understanding is manifested, the healing follows, and the repeat of narcissistic relationships end.

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1955 Rideout Dr. Ste 400
Huntsville, AL 35806

choya_w@aspirecounselingal.com
(256) 212-0567


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