What is it that you think of when you think of a perfect relationship or marriage. Does this mean you are passionate, madly in love, lots of passionate sex, constantly thinking of your lover day in and day out? Does a perfectly healthy relationship or marriage mean you are compatible, you have like interest, you seldomly argue? Does a great relationship mean that you are constantly glaring in your partner’s eyes, often thinking in your mind “there is no way I can live without you.”
Is The Dream Relationship Only An Imagination?
What are some ideas that come to mind when you think about romance? Do you imagine, a husband who constantly thinks of artful expressions of his love through gifts, roses, rose pebbled baths, and romantic dinners. Would you imagine that your wife cooks cuisine meals for you daily, fixes your lunch before you go to work, allows for you to watch the Sunday games uninterrupted, and then gives you all the sexual intimacy you desire just the way you want it.
Though many of these things can and should actually occur in a marital relationship, our ideals of the “functional relationship” are often skewed because of how we allow ourselves to be influenced by images from close loved ones, television, social media. Most of us have not been taught or provided the necessary tools on how to avoid bad relationships. We many times look at other’s relationships and marriages and create our own realities of the intimacy and closeness that believe our peers may possess. We are humans so we are prone to be influenced by other’s relationships but have you ever evaluated how much others relationships and your beliefs about other relationships have impacted the personality of your own. Have your views about what you see in other’s relationships created opportunities to strengthen your relationship or have these thoughts mostly influenced you to make false comparisons, compete, or even have regrets about who you have chosen to be with?
Many of the things that work on TV, or in our friend’s relationships, aren’t always a custom fit for what best please us. Comparisons truly can kill the life of a thriving relationship, and with the technology nowadays, comparisons can become an unconscious obsession and cause anxiety due to our concerns of meeting the standards of what others think might look like a good relationship. Being overly focussed on what looks pleasing in someone else’s courtship or marriage often takes away time that we could use to better focus on establishing an identity for our own relationship.
Can I Have A Bit Of Romance In This Relationship?
There is no issues with desiring to have a bit of romance in our marriage. Who doesn’t want to feel cared for and looked after by the one who may be the closest companion they have on the planet. The issue that many times complicates our relationships is when we move from the desire to be best pleased to the preoccupation and obsessing of being pleased making self the center rather than placing emphasis on pleasing our partner or spouse.
In relationships and marriage, we often fail to do our part in fulfilling each other’s fantasies, and often when we do, our efforts to please are performed based on conditions. The prime condition being reciprocation. When we have received reciprocity, we quickly start to ask “What have you done for me lately.” Fatigued starts to sit end, and soon we develop a silent plan to retaliate. When we have taken steps to please but seemingly receive nothing in return, we walk away feeling empty, fearful, unloved and often wanting to retaliate.
How Does Christ Love?
The conditions to which we choose to express our love should have no reserve. Christ love for us is unique because “while we were yet sinners,” He came and died for us, meaning, Christ died for us even while we rejected him. He took the risk and died knowing that we may never acknowledge Him as Lord even after His life-giving sacrifice. As tough as it seems, we must have this attitude in our marriages. We must have an attitude of love without preconditions, a love that says despite your lack of care and concern for my needs, I am going to fulfill yours. I know that this really sounds like a hard word, but how else are we supposed to resolve our issues in relationships. Just because we feel unloved, does that then give us a pass to show hate.
The Love-Hate Relationship
Unfortunately, our actions in our relationship only prove love or hate. There are no in-betweens. If we do not exhibit patience, kindness, lack of envy, refuse to boast, dismiss pride, avoid dishonoring or being rude to one another, if we refuse to stop being selfish, only thinking of self when we are upset or feel we have been done wrong. If we continue to be easily angered, refuse to let the past be the past, and hurt our partners because we are tired and upset, this my friends is a demonstration of hate. We have to choose if we will hate or love.
Love does not mean we continue to be naive or accept abuse in the name of the Lord. Love is mostly centered on what type of energy, intentions, and actions that you put out. Are your efforts sought out to retaliate or bring together? I love the quote that says, “holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” When we fail to demonstrate love, we are drinking the cool-aid, and that cool-aid will kill your relationships in the most subtle way.
Why Not Reflect The Love You Desire
We ought to mirror what we feel that we deserve in our relationships unless we be proven to be hypocrites. Love beareth all things, love hopes for all things, love endures. Becoming an image, through our characters, of the person we desire to be with will make our fantasies our home. Make the commitment today to love with no reserve
Sources
https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/healthy-relationships
About Choya
Choya Wise, LICSW, PIP is the owner of Aspire Counseling and Consulting Services a mental health clinic in the Huntsville, Al area. As a licensed mental health professional Choya specializes in individual counseling, marriage counseling, and anger management counseling. He also offers Social Work Supervision in Alabama.
If you have been having issues with building intimacy in your marriage or relationship, it may be time to seek a professional relationship counselor. If you are a couple looking for a counselor in Huntsville, Alabama, allow us to support you with steps to build your relationship.
