How Do I Know If I’m The Problem In Relationships?

Have you ever questioned if it was you or your partner who is causing all of the problems in your relationship? If so, I want to help you with turning your relationship or marriage into the success you have dreamed it would become! Today, I’m going to share with you a couple of nuggets to help support you if you have been having issues with communication in your relationships. But first, we must understand how to identify when there’s a problem with communication and when there’s a need to change, on your behalf.

Sign which has a button stating "help me." Image for those who are in a relationship or needing marriage counseling huntsville Alabama

Are You Open To Change In Your Relationship or Marriage?

So, in speaking from my experience, I’ve often shared that in therapy, for change to happen, you must be open to change. When you’re dealing with someone in therapy, the only way to know that there’s a possibility for a breakthrough to happen is that the individual who comes to you must have a desire to want to change. If you’re trying to provide therapy to someone who doesn’t have the desire to change, then it’s a failed deal. It’s just not going to go well in most cases. This is exactly what happens when there is a communication breakdown in our marriages and other relationships. Many times, we don’t get to correct the things that we need to in our relationships, because one person or both don’t have a desire to change.

Are you receiving the same complaint that you received from persons you were in relationships with 10, 20, or even 30 years ago? If so, it’s time to recognize that maybe the problem lies with you. Now, I can identify. I also struggled with recognizing the need to change some things within myself in my relationships with others. However, over the course of time, I have learned to identify when I am the issue and what must be done to remedy the problem.

Is My Lack of Flexibility A Problem In My Relationship?

Are you hearing the same thing about yourself, in your marriage or other relationships, repeatedly? Are you consistently being told by others, in your family, that you think you know it all, that there is no flexibility when it comes to talking to you? In your marriage, has your spouse mentioned to you that you don’t ever listen? Are they pleading with you to just listen? Do others, in work relationships or personal relationships, describe you as having trouble controlling your anger or passion when sharing your opinions? Are people afraid to talk with you? If this negative talk has been used to describe you and you find yourself struggling with communication in your relationships or in your marriage, it just may be that you need to make some changes.

Image of stickers posted on wall, "sorry not sorry." Expressing if you want to change in your relationship or marriage?

Is Change Something I Desire In My Relationship or Marriage?

Now I will share this disclaimer: when making this assessment, talk to those you trust around you who can be objective and provide you with sound advice. Try not to inquire of those who struggle with communication issues of their own or struggle with other emotional and personality disorders.  Sometimes, in our relationships, we attract those who may be narcissistic or have those tendencies as well as others who may be codependent. Seeking advice from people of this nature can be equated with asking a fish how to climb a tree. Ask those around you who you feel safe and comfortable with, that have a proven track record with giving you great, reliable feedback. Look to those who have had success in their marriages or other relationships, like a parent or grandparent, and listen to what they have to say. If they’re telling you that you need to consider doing some things differently, then it may be time to make some changes.

We must be convicted in and of ourselves that change is what we desire, and that if there is a problem in the relationship, it can’t just be me.  In our relationships, when we have the tendency to want to defend, to protect, to hide, then this becomes characteristic of a relationship in which change will not take place. Now, if you continue to find yourself in situations, in your marriage or in other relationships, where you have patterns of dysfunction and others in the relationship continue to complain about your behavior, wouldn’t you want to try something different, something that works? Then, maybe it’s time to try something new. Maybe it’s time to be more vulnerable. Maybe it’s time to understand that although I may not be perfect and I have some adjustments to make, that doesn’t make me a bad person, and I can become better for me and for my relationship.

Listen To The Needs of Your Spouse or Partner

In thinking of myself, there were things I discovered that I needed to change if I wanted to have functional relationships.  Listen to those closest to you, especially your spouse or others you find yourself in close personal relationships with. If they’re echoing the same concerns time and time again, it might just mean that it’s time for you to examine your thoughts and actions and make a change. I hope this has been helpful for you today. Again, this is Choya Wise with Aspire Counseling and Consulting Services trying to get you locked into a successful, positive relationship or make the one that you’re in better. Give me a call if there’s anything I can do to help you!


About The Author


Image of Choya Wise who provides marriage counseling in huntsville. Choya Wise also provides couples counseling in huntsville, Alabama. He and his team also support men who struggle with porn addictionsChoya Wise is the owner of Aspire Counseling and Consulting Services a mental health clinic in the Huntsville, Al area.  As a licensed mental health professional Choya specializes in individual counselingcouples therapy, anxiety, and depression counseling.  He also offers Social Work Clinical Supervision in Alabama and Anger Management Classes.


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1955 Rideout Dr. Ste 400
Huntsville, AL 35806
(256) 212-0567

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