Today, I want to speak with you on the topic of being tired of people-pleasing. Have you discovered that in your relationships with others, either now or in the past, there were a few too many instances of people-pleasing? Are you at the point where you’re just fed up? You may find yourself saying, “I’m done with this, I can’t do it anymore!” Perhaps, you’ve recently become aware of your codependent nature. You discovered that your need to support others, to be the one that everyone can depend on, has not worked out well for you. Now you’re wondering why it is that you have an aversion to doing things that everyone else wants and only want to do that which makes you happy.
What Causes People-Pleasing?
Many times those in codependent relationships or marriages who operate in the people-pleasing role are nurturers. They have what Mental Health America describes as being a “relationship addiction.”If this is you, then you always want to be there to help others. You’re hospitable. You make sure that everyone else’s needs are met while neglecting your own or putting yourself last. In my research, what I have discovered is that this behavior was developed in your childhood. You probably could have guessed that if you listened to me often.
I watched an episode with Will Smith where he’s discussing his book and his most recent movie. What I realized was there was a period in his life where he went through an evolution. He experienced a change. With this change he had to determined, after seeing his mother being beaten by his father, that he was the one that needed to be responsible for keeping the home together. He felt it was his responsibility to orchestrate peace in his home. Its almost as if he unconsciously made himself the problem instead of his adult parents. If he did not fix the problem then he was the problem in the relationship.
Childhood Trauma Affects Relationships
It’s at this point, in his childhood, that he decides that if he told jokes, and entertained his father, he could save the family. He could be the hero and keep his parents’ marriage together. What’s interesting about Will is that initially, this was not his natural default behavior. It was not his default to be the entertainer. This was not a sought after plan. This new role of his happened, incidentally. It occurred in response to trauma. The trauma that was going on in his home and a desire for his family to stay together. Because of his circumstances, he developed a trait that was not natural to his character. As a result he developed an entertainment persona.
It’s really interesting how this happens. For some of us, maybe we didn’t become comedians or entertainers, but we became nurturers. We became the one that feels responsible for making sure that mom was okay because dad was doing or not doing something that he shouldn’t have or should have been doing. Maybe dad was not around and mom was the only one around to take care of you and your younger siblings, feeding her depression, and then you felt that you had to support your mom.
The Cycle of People Pleasing
When in these circumstances, the desire is often to see our mother smile, even at the risk of losing self and putting our own feelings aside. The risk is to assign a role we never meant to fill. Such as with those who become entertainers. Its easy to become unsure of who we were designed to be, simply because we began to compensate for what others desired from us. As a result we often do things we felt were appropriate so that we could be accepted by our family to ensure all was well in the home.
Later on in life, you begin to find yourself in relationships, or even in your marriage, where you take on those same roles. take on roles much like those who are in codependent relationships. You start to exhibit those same characteristics as you did when you were home growing up with your family. You revert back to being the one who supports everyone else but puts your feelings last, right? These are the relationships that you attract, initially, socially; however, fast forward down the road a little, and you start to notice that you are attracting the same type of people, as those in your family, in your romantic relationships or marriage as well.
I’m Fed Up With People Pleasing
So now you’re to the point where you reject being the comedian. You reject being the entertainer or nurturer. As you process your reality, you begin to realize that assuming those roles never was beneficial to you. These roles never provided the emotional stability and support that you so desperately needed. Progressively you become aware that providing for others has been for little gain. No matter how much you have given to others, you remain desolate and empty.
So those behaviors that you use to try to bring about love, to bring about attention, to bring about affection, and using Will Smith as an example, to keep the family together, to keep dad happy and not beating up on mom, end up being the leading character trait that you also use in your intimate relationships or marriage. You’re attracted to relationships that have you assuming roles that were never in your nature to begin with. The roles you filled were those that you were nurtured to do, and it’s a position that never really fit you, because the results of which never allowed you to feel the love, the affection, the validation, the assurance that you really needed in your life.
What Is It That I Want?
So moving fast forward, we now start discovering that these roles don’t work. The role of being the nurturer, the comedian, the entertainer, I’m not really up for it. I’m not up for doing the cooking. I’m tired of planning the whole vacation. Enough of the organizing of the family reunions. I just don’t want to anymore! What happens is that we start to find out that these behaviors don’t naturally suit us. We are no longer attracted to living this way.
We start to have these feelings, never fully aware of them in the past. You start to ask yourself questions…What is it that I desire to have? What is it that I want? We begin to sense that we’re not being served. We are not being pleased in these roles anymore. This is when conflict strikes. We start coming to the awareness that this is not something that I want to do anymore. This is awesome a demonstration that “I am starting to love myself more.”
What Will Happen If I Stop Trying To Please Others
So the fear that develops is that if I stop being the entertainer, if I stop being the nurturer, if I stop being the one who carries everyone else and I start to put my feelings ahead of others, then I will start to lose those relationships that matter to me. I will lose intimacy with those that I have been working to please. They will be gone. The mind and body go into conflict over the desire to serve others or to be served.
How To Stop People Pleasing
So the resolution for this is that we have to come into a greater understanding of who we are and what suits us best. We don’t need to make any drastic moves. We do need to start to focus on what it is that I need in our life. For so long, we have been compensating to fill the void. And guess what? The people that we have attracted to us, that are supposed to help fill that void, they’re just like the people that we were trying to please earlier in life. They seem identical to those who weren’t able to give us what we needed emotionally. It becomes a vicious cycle. Many times we will deal with this from caregivers, but when it comes to people who we were in romantic relationships with, those relationships tend to have an expiration date.
This is just an above-the-surface level discussion of some of the things that might be going on with you if you are experiencing burnout from being the comedian, nurturer, the entertainer or simply putting others first. If you want to learn more about this topic or if you need help processing your experience with someone like myself or someone on our team, we can help you work through the emotions that you are experiencing to understand the feelings that you have for yourself and about yourself and the things that serve you most.
Begin Couples Counseling in Huntsville, AL
We are honored to provide counseling and coaching services for marriage and couples here are Aspire Counseling and Consulting Services. We have a fantastic team of clinicians and counselors to help you with a variety of mental health concerns. I hope that this has been helpful, and have a blessed day. To start your therapy journey, please follow these simple steps:
- Contact Aspire Counseling
- Meet with a marriage and couples counselor
- Start receiving the support you deserve!
Other Services Offered With Aspire Counseling
Our team of counselors understands that you or your teen may experience a variety of mental health concerns. This is why we are happy to offer multiple services in support of your mental health. Other services offered include marriage and couples counseling, individual counseling, anger management therapy, anger management classes, and depression therapy. We also offer support with continuing education, overcoming eating disorders, and offer online clinical supervision for social workers. Please feel free to visit our blog or FAQ for more helpful info!
About the Author
Choya Wise is the director and founder of Aspire Counseling and Consulting Services. He uses his passion to serve in order to help support families and individuals alike. Choya works to build more effective communication in relationships and cultivate intimacy for a healthier, more loving relationship.
