I’m so excited to share with you this thought that came to me this morning! This one is a message to the codependents and those in relationships with codependents. My codependents out there: You’ve got to check yourself before you wreck yourself! Yes, you heard me, check yourself before you wreck yourself!
All jokes aside, here are a few nuggets of information that I would like to share with our codependents today.
Am I Meeting My Needs or Your Needs?
One of the biggest risk factors codependents portray in relationships is meeting a need where they are most vulnerable and need support. They are trying to help others in areas where they need the most work and where they have the greatest need. Generally, this creates conflict within codependents. If you’re codependent and you’re trying to help people in areas where you’re striving for security and wholeness, then you end up endowing others with the key to your security. For example, let’s say that in your relationship or marriage you have a strong desire for time and attention with certain tasks that you wish to complete or like to do.
However, instead, you give your significant other the time and attention they need or want, neglecting yourself. If having your need of gaining time and attention from those you’re in relationship with is your key to security, then your security becomes intertwined with how well you meet their need of time and attention to your own detriment. We can equate that to trying to sell drugs while being a drug addict and then smoking up the supply. It’s very difficult to help someone in an area where you have a need.
Usually a lot of times, as codependents, we pull needy people into our lives that become our projects. They need a lot of work, and we bring them into close relationships with us. We bring them into our space, calling ourselves supporting and helping them. Yet, if you are needing time and attention from a man that you’re in relationship with or married to, giving him all your time and attention does not create a safe space for you.
Codependency can be toxic
If you are needing time and attention from a woman, you’re in a relationship with or married to, yet you are giving her all your time and attention, then it is no longer a secure environment for you. If there is some other area where you are not thriving but giving those you’re in relationship with, that which you need support in and making them your project, then you are not in the best place emotionally.
Some of us create these toxic codependent environments with our children and other family members. We find ourselves trying to help them and empathize with their situations all the while depleting ourselves, becoming used, abused, and manipulated out of our money, our time, and our sanity. With a child or children, whether you’re married, in a relationship, or single, the parent will obsess over the child, making them the central focus. While feeding yourself the lie that you are catering to the needs of your child, you are actually meeting a need. The kids aren’t the need, but time and attention, and acceptance is the need.
One Project, Two Projects, Three Projects, Oh My!
Let’s look at some of your pet projects, okay? How much of your ministry work, who you’re supporting, who you’re giving money to, is allowing you to be a true source of help or are you also receiving and benefiting? Sometimes the relationships we are in, who we’re dating, becomes a ministry!!
This is a subtle truth with codependents: we’re not helping. Many times, it’s hard for us as codependents to leave it all on the table and to make it clear to ourselves that we are not providing the support that we think we are. We fail to see that we’re really filling a void or a need that we have of our own. To break free of this bondage, codependents must:
One, recognize where you are. If you’re in the wrong ministry, recognize what that ministry is.
Two, understand that this is not your ministry, this is not where you belong. You should not place yourself in a ministry where you need support and help.
Three, you need to change up your ministry, at least until you find you security and healing. Changing your ministry means focusing in on you. For the first time, put your healing and wholeness first!
Are you ready to focus in on you?
Let’s face it, people are scared to death to focus in on themselves. Why? Because attention has never been given to themselves. For codependents, it can be awkward to receive time and attention for themselves, show love for themselves unless they are being called to minister on the behalf of others, giving them time and attention, simultaneously fueling their own need.
Moving from codependency means focusing in on you and understanding what your needs are. Take time to evaluate what your needs are by asking yourself these questions:
What are the things that I like?
What do I like to do for fun outside of helping someone?
How well do you say no to things?
Are you continuing to say yes on a continuum?
What is my security level?
Am I an insecure person?
How can I stop obsessing about what others think about me?
Codependency and insecurity go hand
Recognize that codependency and insecurity go hand in hand. On a personal note, as a counselor and just in my relationships, I have not met a codependent person that didn’t have insecurities. Some of those who I have counseled struggle with simply being able to answer those questions, believing that their ministry, their project, provides them enjoyment.
The reality is that it’s not fun, it’s compensation. Discover what those insecurities are and focus on becoming a more whole person in those areas. It’s not a bad thing that we do this, yet it creates conversation and brings awareness. Learning more about yourself will reduce the repeat episodes of feeling angry and frustrated about your partner because you will learn that everything is not your fault. It takes two to tango, and like GI Joe said, knowing is half the battle.
If you are struggling with codependency in your marriage, your relationships or even in your ministries now is the time to seek help. I am not here to judge you, but to help you process your way through these concerns. This is a common issue and typically in relationships, one will either be a narcissist or codependent, but I want to help you level the playing field by finding your happy medium and move in a healthy direction. At Aspire Counseling and Consulting Services we have counselors that can help you do just that. Give us a call if you need some support! We appreciate you tuning in!
Find codependency counseling and coaching services
If some of what you have read feels close to home, and you believe that you can use some additional support, give us a call. We have a team of therapists and coaches who are ready to do whatever you need to support you in your situation. We have therapists and coaches who specialize support individuals who have concerns regarding codependency, anger management, couples counseling, eating disorders, and more. Aspire Counseling & Consulting Services also offers online therapy anywhere in the state of Alabama. Give us a call, and we can help.
