- Intimacy is established in a marriage when two partners feel understood, emotionally vulnerable, and have a strong sense of trust in the relationship.
- Intimacy is a bond that is shared between a man and a woman who are less concerned about meeting their individual needs, but more concerned about meeting the needs and expectations of one another
- The Intimacy bond is cemented when partners value each other’s interests and choose to collaborate rather than compete. In these situations, the urge to prove “I’m right” becomes miraculously obsolete.
Have you ever been in a relationship where you feel like your partner really cares about what is important to you? It’s interesting how most relationships start with passion and a felt desire to care about a partner. It’s like the world stops and it’s just the two of you. At the time nothing else really seems to matter. The relationship is intoxicating. The stresses of life suddenly just seem to slip away.
Time has an interesting way of showing us what our relationships are really made up of. If we are not careful we can easily lose focus from the things that brought us together. Distractions such as our careers, finances, health concerns, parenting, loss, and just life, in general, can turn us away from the very thing that could support and sustain us through it all.
When life really settles in on a relationship it is easy to move into partnership mode. Once we become partners instead of lovers in a marriage, the intimacy gets dicey. Conversations are very shallow and business-oriented. The conversational exchanges seem to look and sound a whole lot like work. Fewer conversations start to be about the marriage. There are fewer laughs, kisses, gazes into each other’s eyes. When a marriage reaches this point, priorities have changed. Unless partners take the time to evaluate the downward trend of the relationship, the marriage can quickly crumble apart.
3 Tips To Improve Intimacy In Your Marriage
If you have been experiencing challenges with intimacy in your marriage and you are looking for answers to change things around. Here are 3 tips that will help you turn things around:
1. Know What Stresses Your Spouse
I can look back on my relationship and see how easy it was to take for granted the hard work of my wife. Coming into the marriage my wife had a vision of what it looked like to be a “good spouse.” So we discussed roles, responsibilities, and expectations that we had for one another. Our initial agreement at the time sounded good, especially to me. I don’t know if my wife was holding back, or just a bit naive concerning what these responsibilities may look like in the future, especially after kids. Once we began having children, the designation of responsibilities that my wife had versus mine, did not seem to level up, and this caused a bit of confusion or should I say chaos in our home.
My wife as in many situations chose to be primarily responsible for the duties that occurred inside of the home. Interestingly enough, after we had our first child, I expected things to remain the same. I expected to go to work, come back to a clean home, have a cooked meal, ask my wife about her day, play with my daughter a little, and go to bed. There was no diaper changing deal that was discussed at that time. I really didn’t think that this was something that “men” participated in. I definitely never expected to prepare bottles or be a part of the night routine.
So as a focused on work I believe my wife had a lot of time to focus on the stress and responsibilities that she was experiencing. I think the time she shared between her and my daughter also allowed for her to deeply reflect on how her responsibilities were far outweighing mine. I will never forget the day when I came home from a long day of work.
I was extremely tired. I can’t remember if I had started or forgotten to take my 5 to 10 minute moment of silence before entering the house. I don’t believe I made it halfway into the garage before I was greeted by my wife who have her arms stretched out with my newborn in them. To my surprise, she was handing me the baby, and I don’t believe she even said hello.
My wife was stressed and I was not mature enough at the time to understand the full responsibilities of a man and father in marriage. Had I taken the time to observe and talk to my wife about the things that were stressing her, we may have been able to avoid the contentious moments that led up to that incident and therefore followed.
2. Anticipate The Needs of Your Spouse
More times than not when our emotional needs are not met in our marriage, this leads to bad choices. I can’t tell you how many couples I have counseled that made bad choices that lead to blowouts and giving inappropriate attention to third parties. It is natural to look for options apart from our spouse to relieve the distress associated with unfulfilled emotional needs. A third party does not have to be a romantic interest. Third parties come in the form of shopping, overeating, pornography, alcohol, drugs, passive-aggressiveness, and overtly aggressiveness.
Resorting to bad behaviors because of unmet emotional needs is never appropriate. However, as humans, we often have a hard time giving when we feel like there is nothing in it for us. We must be proactive to anticipate the emotional needs of our spouses, as an effort to support them with their responsibility of making healthy choices. When both spouses are making an effort to fulfill each other’s emotional needs, intimacy and a lot of other fun things are on the way.
3. Understand the “Likes” of Your Spouse
What are the things that your spouse likes? The likes of a spouse are very different from emotional needs. Emotional needs are most essential, a do-or-die situation. Although likes are also essential, likes are more like icing on the cake, toppings, butter on your potatoes. Paying attention to the likes of your spouse is necessary if you want to have a vibrant marriage.
Take time to find out what your spouse enjoys doing for fun. Increase the romance. Surprise your spouse with something that is sentimental, or a gift they have wanted but never expected to receive from you. Find a way to wow your spouse, and make them feel special.
Going the extra mile in your marriage by finding out what your spouse likes and enjoys will bring about the intimacy that you may be lacking in your marriage. Intimacy building must be intentional. It’s not something that needs to be random, unplanned and thrown together. There is a time and place for that type of intimacy. The intimacy that you want to build in your marriage is one that is selfless, well thought out, and meaningful.
Take the time to evaluate and positively respond to your spouse’s Stress, Needs, and Likes (SNL). This will reignite the spark in your marriage, and save you from the pain of an unhappy marriage.
Are You In Need of Marriage Counseling In Huntsville Al?
It may be time for you to talk to a professional relationship or marriage counselor that can help you through this drought. It is never too late to get the help you need. If your marriage or relationship is in trouble, or you are single desiring to experience a healthy relationship. Give us a call and allow us to support you. We provide marriage counseling and individual counseling for Alabama residence. We also provide coaching for those who are outside of Alabama.
